if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Couch. On fire.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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