yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
