i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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