Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
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