Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
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dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
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I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
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