I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
i drank out of a bidet.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
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