I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
