I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
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