just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Randomize
