got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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