Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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