so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
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