that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
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