Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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