How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize