Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
smell my finger.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
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