Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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