his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
