Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Randomize
