Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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