im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
