i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize
