If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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