I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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