i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
