Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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