I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
19 Characteristics That Make People Instantly Attractive
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
25 People Confess What They’re Shamefully Attracted To
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.