I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I miss vodka workout Fridays
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
