he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
