the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
