I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
So much Jack, so little girl.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
