Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Randomize
