Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
