she looked like the bat from fern gully.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
they're like a gay fantastic four
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Randomize
