i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Randomize
