I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
My balls are so social today.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
