My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
Randomize
