A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
