in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
