I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
