so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
