I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
