I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
