how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
