I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Randomize
