so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
