A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Randomize
