Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
