There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Randomize
