apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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