I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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