i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
