She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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