Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
you had me at cake vodka
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
