She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
