Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
I am midnight drunk by noon
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
