I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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