Michael Bay diarrhea
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
